Dear Diary,
I'm done trying to fix myself. All my life I have been told to fix something. And I'm tired. I'm really tired. I remember being told all my life that I need to be better at this, better at that, change this, change that.
Whether it was my SAT score, my room, my body, my hair, my income, my job… I have inherently been trying to fix myself ever since I can remember.
From the moment I got teased for my tight fitting sweatshirt that kept going up in the back in kindergarden to my parents sending me to tutoring classes to dieting programs - to professors and bosses telling us to do better, get better, fix that.
I realized that my inner dialogue has been stamped deep into my mind as, “there is something wrong with me and I need to fix it. What I am is never enough, I must do more. I must.” I'm doing doing doing, fixing fixing fixing, going, going going.
Then I am asked, "Why are you not there [fixed] yet?" “I am almost there. I swear. I'm working really hard. Really hard. I took courses, classes, tutoring, got new clothes, fixed my hair, went to weight watchers, jenny craig, to the gym, took negotiation classes, practiced my interview skills, enrolled in grad school. Does this not mean anything to you?”
"It’s not enough. You need to fix that."
“Ok," I said and got back on the cycle of never-never land that got me no closer to happiness as I tried to fix myself, be better, have more.
29 years later I decide I am tired of fixing. Fixing ain't getting me no where. The results don't make me happier, prettier, more respected, or appreciated. The other night my healer told me I have a lot of hidden emotion inside of me.
I asked her, "Okay so what do I need to do to take care of that?"
She said, "GURL, STOP ALWAYS TRYING TO FIX YOURSELF."
"Right," I said.
No more fixing.
Press repeat, "I am enough. I am worthy. I got everything I need to be happy. I am enough. I am worthy. I got everything I need to be happy. I am enough. I am worthy. I got everything I need to be happy. I am enough. I am worthy. I got everything I need to be happy."
Wow, this is starting to feel good. Now I am getting results that do make me happy. Is this the key to happiness? I don't know but I'm gonna keep going for now. I am glowing. People are asking me what I'm doing. Why doesn't anyone teach us this shit. Hmpf. I'm pissed.
Okay maybe I will teach what I learned to those who want to listen.
God, I'm so grateful, I can finally live my life now. Phew!
#nomorefixing
Love,
Aditi
★. Copyright : ©. "Aditi Ramchandani"
January 8 at 8:44pm · Evanston, IL, United States.
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*** নোটঃ - (আপনার সুবিধামতো সময়ে পড়তে টাইমলাইনে শেয়ার করে রাখুন। প্রয়োজনীয় মূর্হুতে খুঁজে পেতে পোষ্টটির লিংক সেইভ রাখুন। না হলে পরে আবার খুঁজতে হবে... এবং কোন মন্তব্য দেওয়ার থাকলে কমেন্ট বক্সে জানাবেন।)
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*** Believe : "Happiness is a Choice & Life is Beautiful."
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*** Posted by : © "Dhumkeatu's Diary" || 17.06.2018 || 🇧🇩
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