Dear Diary,
I'm done with being a good person. I been tryin to be a good person all my life but it doesn't seem to be working for me. I realized today sometime long ago in my subconscious I decided being a good person meant:
- Obeying parents
- Being nice
- Getting a good, secure job (corporate $50K or more)
- Be in a relationship (that makes sense to other people)
I should obey my parents...
I just fell in love with a Muslim and that is NOT ok with my parents, I'm not obeying them... this isn't good. I'm such a bad person...
I should be nice...
Ugh I really don't enjoy being around this person and it is so freakin hard for me to be nice to them when they really annoy the crap out of me and are SO rude! I am such a bad person...
I should have a good, secure job (defined by society as a corporate job that pays $50K or more)... I hate salary jobs... There must be something wrong with me. Everyone has salary jobs?! Why do you hate it Aditi? I am just not a good person. I can't get it together.
I should be in a relationship...
Wait, I just fell in love with a Mexican man who is 5 years younger than me, this makes no sense to society, friends, family, etc I need to shut this down quick. Wait but I've never felt this way in my life before with any other man - oh well, move on, it's not gonna work. Ugh, why can't I get over him.
I am such a bad person...
and all the other labels of good and bad....
Keep your legs closed, its good. Then I'm told, you need to be more sexy, guys like that.
No, you should be sexy for yourself. - Jeez you're so full of it, who do you think you are wearing that? dancing like that? No but sexy is bad, what will people think? What about your cultural values? Do you have any?
I'm told I'm a good person if I chose alcohol over drugs. I go to parties and the druggies are totally normal and chillin in their own zone and the alcohol-drinkers are acting ridiculous, in your face, and annoying. I'm confused.
So if I finish my college degree I'm a good person? I have it all together? But if I don't I'm a bad person and don't have it all together.
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Today I struggled with the idea of being a good person. I want to fit in. I want people to see that I'm a good person, that I have it together, I make sense. But it feels like everything that makes sense to other people, doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't feel good to me.
So, now what?
I don't want to be alone with no friends. I need to be a good person, I can't be bad.
My healer asked me, "Aditi, what do you get out of being a good person? How do you feel?
Me: "Happy I guess."
Healer: "How long do you feel happy?"
I hated what I felt in my gut as I said it out loud, Me: "It lasts 10 minutes..."
Healer: "How many times have you felt like a good person in your life if you were to add up all of those 10 minute increments?"
Me: "Hmm.. 24 hours maybe? 1 day... wow.. this is really fucked up..."
Healer: "So you feel good about being a good person for 1 day in 29 years of your life? The rest of the time you are living your life you feel like a bad person. I see."
Me: "Yea pretty much... wow.. I get your point.. I don't know why I'm trying to be a good person. I don't even know what that means anymore."
I'm really fucked up in the head now. This year I'm going to choose things that feel good to me, that feel right to me, even if it doesn't for someone else.
Excuse me while I decide to just be myself, whatever that
looks like. Sexy, prude, smart, stuck up, boring, money hungry, selfish, slutty, too quiet, too loud, and everything in between. I'll take ownership of it all. And if it makes me lose people along the way, so be it. It's too damn exhausting for me to give a fuck all the fucking time what everyone ELSE thinks is "good" or"bad" for me!
Cheers to removing that big burden off of me, so I can finally live a life that makes me jump for joy .
Love,
Aditi
★. Copyright : ©. "Aditi Ramchandani "
(January 7 at 10:38am · Evanston, IL, United States.)
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*** নোটঃ - (আপনার সুবিধামতো সময়ে পড়তে টাইমলাইনে শেয়ার করে রাখুন। প্রয়োজনীয় মূর্হুতে খুঁজে পেতে পোষ্টটির লিংক সেইভ রাখুন। না হলে পরে আবার খুঁজতে হবে... এবং কোন মন্তব্য দেওয়ার থাকলে কমেন্ট বক্সে জানাবেন।)
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*** Believe : "Happiness is a Choice & Life is Beautiful."
''Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara." Just keep Livin...!!!
Keep Smile.......!! Happy Living......!!! :) :) :)
Thank You, Good Luck......!!! :) :) :) 🌷🙏🌷
*** Posted by : © "Dhumkeatu's Diary" || 17.06.2018 || 🇧🇩
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